Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
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COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Nice try, NASA
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.