Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
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wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.