I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
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“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate