“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
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Radiohead fans, this is for you.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]