I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
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adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Sponch
“HELP WITH CAT”
Rather alarming headline…
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
is this how new cars are made??
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.