That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
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Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Potatoes were such a good idea