So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
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[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.