Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
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her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.