*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
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banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding