Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
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Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
buying dead houseplants to save time
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.