My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
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[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Worst bar ever.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’