SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
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T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
#parenting
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft