I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
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I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.