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They’re the only culture some people have.
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It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
This is my pinned tweet
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites