*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
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Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
hmmm