Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
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And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Good news
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.