I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
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wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream