If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
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At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
What’s so funny?
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.