Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
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They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
He’s dead
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.