Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
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Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.