4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
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Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.