Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
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Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Breaking news:
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
A classic…
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away