*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
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Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Nomnomnomnom
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
time machine? you mean a clock?
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…