*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
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When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that