When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
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A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Worst Native American name ever.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
#SuperBowl
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?