Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
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Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything