never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
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Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
nyc:
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.