I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
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[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.