‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
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Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.