If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
You Might Also Like
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!