Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
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I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?