How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
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Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*