I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
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When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.