ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
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I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.