My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
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[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Thinking about Jeff
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100