Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
You Might Also Like
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
i think my razor is having a panic attack
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
finally found a reasonable question
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.