Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.

I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.

Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.

Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.

Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?

The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change

If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.

*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”

TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.

“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds

I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨

Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.

Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!

May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*

[applies for name change]

June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*

[leaves the country]

Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.

merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king

arthur: oh, this sword?

merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?

arthur: table

merlin: what?

arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle

My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.

Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.

some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor

Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??

Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.

Anakin:

Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.

age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]

Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.

[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there

I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.

“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”

Drunks & toddlers.

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.

me: there’s a fly in my soup

waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once

me: no, just the one is enough