Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!![]()
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Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
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some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
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I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
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Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS