Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
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RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!