I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
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We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes