i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
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playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?