*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
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I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
sleeping beauty
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan