I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
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Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢