It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
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Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
$4 #usedbooks
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.