I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
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People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Spring cleaning checklist…
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?