Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
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Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.