This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
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My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even