So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
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All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
May never get over this
Finally
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
car not found
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Intelligence is the new cleavage
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”