my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
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Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
repaired
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.