Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
You Might Also Like
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
good let them take over I have had enough
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)