I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
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Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.