[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
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If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.